Draco Malfoy's Hair
by Guro of Flowers
Summary: The trials and tribulations of Draco Malfoy, who is trying to get his hair to lay flat. Hopefully it's funny...


Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

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Draco Malfoy stared at the mirror in outrage. His hair was a vision of perfection...except for two unruly hairs right above his forehead.

No matter how much he brushed, they would _not_ lie flat.

"Why is the world so cruel?!" he wailed in agony. As he pounded his fists on the counter, tears pouring down his face, an idea popped into his head.

"Eureka!" he exclaimed. "That's a great idea, you snazzy Draco you!" Then he paused, wondering why on Pluto he was talking to his own reflection.

He shrugged and called for his house elf, Toey.

"Pee on my head!" Draco instructed. Toey looked at his master strangely, not understanding.

"Is you sure, Master?" He asked timidly, wondering about the young Malfoy's sanity. Draco nodded fervently, a crazed look in his eyes.

"DO IT!" he ordered savagely. Toey whimpered pathetically and began to pee on Draco's head. Once the elf had finished his 'business', Draco looked in the mirror expectantly.

Unfortunately for Toey, the two hairs were still sticking up.

"You insolent little creature! You peed wrong!" Draco roared his face a blotchy red. "Be gone!"

Toey cowered and apparated away. Draco glared into the mirror, frustrated and trying to think of another idea.

Then it came to him.

He would use muggle gel in his hair! Though he hated to admit it, the muggles _did_ have _some_ clever ideas.

He apparated to an alleyway near the closest muggle drugstore and bought the first gel he saw.

When he got back to his house, he ran to his bathroom, the suspense eating away at his insides. He grinned jubilantly as the gel worked its muggle magic on his hair.

He waited...and he waited...and he waited.

Ten minutes later, he was _still_ waiting, and he couldn't for the love of himself figure out _why_.

"I _need_ a new plan!" he hissed, silently cursing the two stupid hairs.

Wait! That was it! Cursing!

He had to go find a book of beauty. What was it called again? Oh yes.

"Father! Where is our signed special edition of Gilderoy Lockhart's _Me and My Hair?"_

"How am I supposed to know? Ask your mother." Lucius supplied. Draco then went in search of his mother.

"Oh and don't forget to call me Lucy. I'm trying out that nickname, remember?"

After ten minutes of searching the manor, Draco found his mother in her bedroom.

She was sitting cross-legged in the center of the bed, eyes closed and palms face up on her knees.

There was a stack of books balanced atop her motionless head.

"What are you doing?" Draco demanded, glancing around at the white and black candles sitting and floating around the room.

His mother opened only one eye, yet she was somehow glaring.

"I _was_ meditating. How am I supposed to balance my chi and find inner peace with you running around the house yelling for me?"

She grabbed a book from on top of her head and chucked it at Draco, hitting him square in the chest.

"Away with you!" she yelled, and he fled. Only when he was safely in his room did he remember what he needed her for.

What was he to do now? He would never find a book of beauty now!

Wait! He was still holding the book his mother had thrown at him! It was the moment of truth as he peered at the cover.

"Yes! It's _Me and My Hair! _Thank the beard of Merlin!"

He paused.

The beard of Merlin? Why thank a beard whose hairs lay flat on the chin? A beard which laughs down at Draco and his own unkempt hairs?

"NEVER!" Draco yelled. "Thank only the bald and clean-shaven version of Merlin!"

With that out of the way, he proceeded to thumb through his mother's book for the perfect bit of hair magic.

He flipped through page after page, but more than half way through the book, he had still found nothing. And then...

"AHA! 'To make hair lie flat, slather your head in yak spit and stand in a bucket of fish eggs outside during a crescent moon.'"

"Fish eggs?! Where am I supposed to find fish eggs?"

A soft knock broke through his intense thought process to figure out where to buy fish eggs.

"WHAT?!" He yelled at the mystery person, now opening his door.

"Draco, who were you talking to?" Of course. Why did she always feel the need to visit?

"No one Aunt Bella, go away." Suddenly, his deranged aunt was next to him, licking her fingers and putting them on his head.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU PSYCO?!"

"Draco, it's impolite to yell. You had two hairs sticking up-"

"I AM WELL AWARE OF THAT, THANK YOU!" Draco cut in, annoyed at having to be reminded about his one flaw.

"Well don't get testy, I fixed them!" Draco paled.

"You fixed them? Just like that?" He flopped onto his bed, half-way between being annoyed that he had not fixed it earlier— what with such a simple solution at his disposal— and anger at not being able to fix the hairs himself.

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The End


End file.
